I got thinking about babies today.
Specifically, I got thinking about mine. He's not here yet, the Wonderpony, but we're only a few weeks away. With February fast approaching, I realized, "Holy shite, Shel, you got to get the boy some learnin' and fast". So, I started thinking: What should every boy know? What would have made my life easier if I had known this from the get-go? Ladies and gentleman, I give you: THE GUYDE.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #192
Boy, this is a 1970 Buick Riviera, my first car. It had a muffler, but you couldn't tell. My first girlfriend couldn't see over the dashboard, and the horn was fashioned under the steering column, so you had to honk with your knee. All in all, it was a piece of crap. Still, it was better than what I'm currently driving. Sorry about that.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #632:
Boy, this is a vampire. Notice the fangs and long fingernails. Also, notice he doesn't sparkle. Vampires never sparkle. If he's sparkling, not a vampire. If he's sparkling, he can give you some great fashion advice, which there is certainly something to be said for. But again, not a vampire.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #433:
Boy, this is Bugs Bunny. Now, a lot of people will try to convince you that the only cartoon character that matters is a certain mouse. Don't listen to them - they are maroons. The mouse has a better PR department, that's all. You want to get your Saturday morning chuckles, look for this guy. He won't let you down.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #725:
Boy, this is a corndog. Basically, it's a hot dog dipped in batter than deep fried. It's really tasty. We ate a lot of these in Iowa, because really, there wasn't much else to do. Avoid anyone who puts ketchup on one of these - they are mentally deranged. In fact, you should steer clear of anyone who even puts ketchup on a hot dog. Yellow mustard is the only thing that should ever go on a corndog. Also, if you decide to one day run for office - avoid the corndog. They taste great but make for seriously horrible photo-ops.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #956:
Boy, this is what No Discernible Talent looks like. Sure, it's easy on the eyes, but really that's all it has going for it. Aim higher.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #502:
Boy, this is Delaware. To our knowledge, no one actually lives there. In fact, not only will you probably never meet anyone who's from there, you will probably never meet anyone who's even been through there. I'm including it just so you know it does exist.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #377:
Is it a sandwhich, is it a meal? We may never know. You will, however, probably be living on these whenever you mom goes out of town. Don't worry - after the third bite, you tongue goes numb and you can't taste anything anyway.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #79:
This is the Pilsbury Doughboy. He was a mascot for a baking company. He later became Speaker of the House, divorced his wife when she had cancer, and ran for President. No one was sure what exactly caused the drastic personality shift.
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #166:
Boy, these are boobs. Take a good look. Enjoy the time you have with them now, because you're going to spend the rest of your life trying to see them again.
