Hey, how you doing? Good to hear.
So, we've been Facebook pals for a few months now. When I first saw your friend request, I smiled, because to be honest, I hadn't thought of you in years. Then I realized why that was: I haven't seen you since we were 10. Just in case math is not your forte, that is 30 years ago. To drive that point obnoxiously home, I have spent roughly 3/4 of my life not thinking about you. Still, when I saw the request, I chuckled and felt all nostalgicaly, and said yes. I've looked at your pictures (you and your family have a very All-American vibe), read your status updates and perused your essays. Therein lie the problem.
Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I'm not a beat-around-the-bush kind of guy, so I'm going to take the BandAid approach and just rip this fucker off: We can't be friends anymore, because, you sir, are insane.
Sure, that may seem like an overstatement on my part. I could play the whole "it's not you, it's me" card, but I won't. Because it's not me, it's you. It's clearly you. Hooboy, is it ever you. To put it bluntly, you, my friend, are one cashew short of being completly nuts.
Don't get me wrong - I really enjoyed our time as 10-year-olds. As a 10-year-old, you were the bees knees. You were a big Star Wars geek, which I appreciated. You always made me laugh with your pre-teen nerdness, and you turned me onto the delicious cheesiness of Disney's The Black Hole (any movie that features a flying robot with the voice of Slim Pickens is A-OK with me). Like I said, as a 10-year-old, you were aces. However, something happened between 10 and 40, and you went down your own personal black hole, and no army of robotic Slim Pickens' can rectify that.
You may find this hard to believe, but I do actually have a couple of friends who are Republicans. We can actually talk about our differences and laugh at them and still enjoy each others company. I don't think that could happen between us. You listed Sean Hannity as a personal hero. Look, I like Olbermann. I think he's a loudmouthed hoot, but I would never go so far as to call him a hero. I know you don't like Obama. That's fine. However, seriously, enough with the whole socialism & muslim bullshit. You and I both know you are grasping at straws and spouting the party line. You mentioned that your favorite comedian is Glenn Beck. That was the exact moment I began to doubt your sanity. If you keep this up, I see a lot of Xanax and a straight jacket in your future.
I'm glad you found God. I'm happy that you are really into the J-man & his gang. I totally understand why you may not have been amused to see my status update read: "Sheldon recently found Jesus - He was behind the couch the whole time". I get it, and completely understand. Our senses of humor may not mesh, and that's fine. I can live with that. What I'm less happy about is your faux-concern about why I'm not saved and what will I do when I'm burning in the firery furnaces of hell. Look, if the time comes when I join the God Army, I'll let you know. Until then, it's none of your business, so quit busting my balls. I have my beliefs, just as you have yours. They may be different, but that's your problem. So, suck it. I'm not even going to address your views of abortion doctors, pitbulls and AIDS. By the way, don't get all Christiany on me, yet still claim to be pro-war & pro-torture. I'm no Biblical scholar, but I'm pretty sure that book frowns on killing, you self-righteous prick.
So, there you go. I wish you well. I really enjoyed our time playing Freeze-Tag and hanging out on the playground swingset, but here is where I get off. But, please, don't be sad.
We'll always have Tatooine.
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