One day, Bryan Sterling Wellington went to the zoo....did I tell you his middle name was Chauncey? Isn't that kind of a crazy name: Bryan Chauncey Sterling Wellington? On the other hand, it is kind of cool. I kind of dig the name Chauncey. Of course, it reminds me of Peter Sellers in Being There. That's a really good flick.
Anyway.....one day, Bryan Sterling Wellington went to the zoo...oh, did I mention he was British? I guess you could pretty much figure that out on your own. I mean, with a name like Bryan Sterling Wellington, it's fairly obvious that he's British. I'm assuming you don't see too many Bryan Sterling Wellingtons walking around the Ozarks. I mean, sure, it's possible, but if I'm going to be completely honest, the last place I would expect to see a Bryan Sterling Wellington would be Moonshine, Arkansas. I mean, yeah, it could happen. Anything could happen. I could get pelted with a moon rock today. I'm not expecting it, but sure, it could happen. I guess what I'm saying is, if your name is Bryan Sterling Wellington and you do happen to reside in Moonshine, Arkansas, then congratulations, you are to me the human version of a moon rock. Okay, back to the story.
So....one day, Bryan Sterling Wellington went to the zoo....oh, important fact. He drove a Mini-Cooper. I don't really know why I said it was important. It's really not - it actually doesn't figure into the story at all, but I just wanted to throw that out there, just in case. Only because, I know there will be one of you to say, "Wait a second, Shel. How did Bryan Sterling Wellington get to the zoo? Did he walk? Did he take a train? Bicycle? Did he hitch a ride on the back of a pram?" No, I'm telling you, he drove his Mini-Cooper. He actually made pretty good time, too. Hit mostly green lights, so he barely had to brake at all. Which is pretty impressive, especially if you've driven in London. You know what I'm saying. To call it a clusterfuck is to be too kind to clusterfucks. I know he considered taking the underground, but at the last minute decided he would go ahead and drive. Okay...sorry getting off track.
Alright....one day, Bryan Sterling Wellington went to the zoo...OH, I forgot. He was the son of an Earl. Not a royal Earl, just a guy named Earl. Earl Sterling Wellington. Worked as a doorman at the Paradise Gardens Apartment complex on the lower west end of East Swixington. He once held the door open for Mick Jagger as he went up to bang Twiggy. Wow...I can't believe how off-track I am.
Back to it....one day, Bryan Sterling Wellington went to the zoo....His mother. I can't talk about his father without bringing up his mother. That would just be rude. His mother was one Colleen O'Reilly, from Hartfordshireshire. She was actually born in Ireland, but the family moved to Hartfordshireshire when she was just a girl. After she graduated from school, she moved to London where she got a job working as a barmaid at the Jolly Good Pub in East Swixington. That's where she met Earl. He came in for a pint after work one evening, and soon enough they were married. Bryan Sterling Wellington was the oldest of 14 kids. Let's see, there was Elford Sterling Wellington, Montague Sterling Wellington, Elizabeth Sterling Wellington, Shanequa Sterling Wellington...well, you get the picture. Besides, this is a story about Bryan Sterling Wellington, not his brothers and sister.
Okay....one day, Bryan Sterling Wellington went to the zoo....oh, and he was single. He was never very good with the ladies. Even ones he had no romantic intentions for. Once, he made lunch plans with Sister Mary Agnes, and she never showed. That was a tough pill to swallow. You know things are bad when you get stood up by a nun. Of course, the next time he went to mass, she was there, and he felt all awkward, and she acted like nothing was the matter. Acted as if it never happened, as if they never had plans. Needless to say, Bryan Sterling Wellington was awfully confused by the whole episode. In fact, he went right home and called an escort service. She never showed. Okay....really....back to the story.
One day, Bryan Sterling Wellington went to the zoo and was promptly eaten by a carnivorous llama.
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