I'm A Kung-Fu'ing Sonofabitch

July 17, 2009

That's right - you best watch your ass. You've been warned.

I'm a kung-fu'ing sonofabitch.

You don't want to mess with me, pal. You think you do, but you really don't. I'm telling you, if you do mess with me, you best make sure your insurance policies are all paid up, because they are going to be used. I've seen all threeKarate Kid movies, so believe me, I know what I'm doing. I'm not afraid to break out The Crane if I have to. Trust me, I'll Crane the shit out of you. When all is said and done, you'll wake up from your three-day coma and wonder who you are and what happened. Then your relatives will have to tell you the humiliating news that you got Craned by Sheldon the Wonderhorse.

I'm guessing once upon hearing that news, you'll be eager for revenge. Once you're out of the hospital, you will probably head back to your dojo and try to figure out a good counter-move to The Crane. Then, after a couple of weeks, you figure I will have assumed that all is fine, and you've learned your lesson. Then, you will probably grab some of your Cobra Kai shower buddies, and head over to the Wonderhorse Love Emporium to exact a little payback.

Bad idea.

See, I'm on to you.  I've been expecting this. So, you'll show up, and I'll go into The Crane, knowing full well that you have figured out a counter move. See how I lulled you into a false sense of confidence? At the last minute, I'll switch from The Crane to The Praying Beaver, and deliver a punishing smackdown. Once again, you'll be humiliated in front of your friends and sensei, and will enjoy another three-day coma.

Soon enough, you will be released and start working on a counter move to The Praying Beaver. We will meet, and just when you expect The Praying Beaver, I will hit you with the dreaded Flying Woodchuck. It is at this moment that you will lose an eye and puncture your eardrum. Finally, you will realize that you are no match for me. However, your sensei, an older and much bigger man than I, will take up your fight.

I have to admit, he will get the better of me. He will counteract my Flying Woodchuck with a devestating Constipated Gekko, and I will crawl off, bloody and defeated. You, him and the rest of your crew will think you have once again risen to the top of the Kung-Fu world, and smugly begin your reign of terror.

However, while you are comfortably ensconsed in your smugness, I will have gone back to basics. No more fancy training centers for me. I will train every sunrise on the beach, often in slow motion, and accompanied by a hard-driving, but non-threatening, pop song. My mentor, a war vet, will push me to the very limits of human endurance.

The next time you see me, you will be shocked by my appearance. Leaner, more defined, completely focused. Your bravado will remain in tact - however, I will see the flash of concern streak across your face. We will meet on the top of a cliff, overlooking the sea. Your sensei will attack, and I will move where he moves. I will know his punches before they are thrown. He will throw every move he knows at me, yet none of them will connect. I will wear him down, punishing him to the very core of his being. He will eventually drop to his knees, begging for mercy. "Who ARE you?" he will ask.

"The name is  Wonderhorse," I will say. "Sheldon the Wonderhorse." I will then finish him off with a brand new move, never before seen by man. In fact, it is so new, it will not even have a name. When your friends speak about what happened, and they will, they will just simply say, "He was Wonderhorsed."

You will see your defeated sensei laying on the ground. I will turn my back and begin my descent down the cliffside. You will scream a war-cry and run to attack me from behind. Quickly, I will turn and place a perfectly-aimed kick to your midsection. My foot will enter your torso, and I will clasp your instestines with my toes. You will stop, completely in shock. I will then do a roundhouse kick with my other leg, which sends you stumbling backwards. You fall off the cliff, while I am still clutching your intestines with my toes. You will become my own personal yo-yo. You will die on the rocks, and the waves will crash up against your lifeless body. Justice served. You were warned.

I'm a kung-fu'ing sonofabitch.