First off, before I get a bunch of comments taking me to task and calling me all sorts of names like Baby Despiser, let me just say this: For the most part, I like babies. I'm firmly in the pro-baby camp (while still being in the pro-choice camp as well, but that's an entirely different discussion). I don't have any babies, but I've been around a few in my day. So, I'm not a baby hater. I'm a baby well-wisher. That being said, I find that there are a few problems with babies.
1. They can't hold their liquor. I went into this bar not too long ago, and there's this baby sitting there, just blasted. I asked the bartender, "Mick (Mick's a friend of mine and a good bartending name)," I said. "How long has that baby been sitting in here drinking?"
"10 minutes," was Mick's response. 10 stinking minutes, and the kid was gone. Blottoed. Little bastard was still working on his first beer.
2. Babies are horrible exterminators. I had an infestation of chipmunks awhile back. I asked around, and everyone I talked to recommended this baby. So I called him, he came out, did an estimate, which seemed reasonable, so I hired him. He comes out with all of this equipment, and it looks like he's really going to go to town on those chipmunks. I was pretty happy and thought I was in the clear. So, I paid this kid $800, and what happens? Three days after he's done, I look out in the yard, and there's chipmunks. Chipmunks. Humping. Right in front of me. So now I'm out $800, and I got a yardful of horny chipmunks all because that baby was a horrible exterminator.
3. Babies can't paint. Not too long after the chipmunk debacle, I decided to paint my house. So, one of the neighborhood babies came around and offered to help, and I said no, that's alright, thanks anyway. Well, he keeps pestering me and pestering me, and before you know it, he's up to his elbows in paint and hitting everything but the house. It was just a fucking mess. What sucks is, I KNEW babies can't paint and I let him do it anyway, so I really only have myself to blame on that one. Babies are simply useless when it comes to painting. I mean, you can't even use them for a paintbrush, because of the fantanelle or whatever the hell that soft spot is called. Damn them and their incompletely-formed skull bones.
4. Babies can't do taxes. My dad had a baby do his taxes once. He's now serving 5-10 for evasion. That baby? Nowhere to be found. We're guessing he's living it up in Aruba on my old man's dime. Son of a bitch.
5. Babies have no computer skills. I came home from work the other day and saw that a baby was on the computer in my office. I don't know what the hell he was doing, but now my hard drive is completely shot. I got sucked into some kind of Thomas the Tank Engine vortex, because now everytime I turn it on, I see nothing but ads for Thomas the Tank Engine. Thomas the Tank Engine toys. Thomas the Tank Engine clothes. Thomas the Tank Engine food. I even had one pop up telling me how Thomas the Tank Engine can make my penis bigger. I don't even want to know what that entails.
6. Babies suck when it comes to folding up maps. I recently got talked into taking a road trip with this one baby. I really had no interest in going, but I let myself be guilted into it, so I went. I have to say, it was a horrible trip, and I hope I never have to go through that again. I gave the baby the map, and did he give me any helpful directions? None. Not a single one. Seriously, we were going to drive up to Boulder, which is like an hour and a change from where I live. Next thing I know, I see a sign that says "Sheboygen: Next 2 Exits". Really. How the fuck we ended up in Wisconsin, I'll never know. Finally, I told him to just fold the map up and I would figure it out. What did he do? Mashed it up into a ball and sucked on it. There's a $1.50 I'll never see again.
7. Babies can't remove moles. I had this mole on my arm, so I went to get it removed. It wasn't big or anything, it was just kind of gross, you know? So, I go to the doctor, and my regular guy was out. I'm sitting in the room, and his replacement comes crawling in, and it's a damn baby. "Oh shit," is what I'm thinking, and sure he enough, he completely botches it. Most of the time, they'll give you an injection which freezes the mole, then they just lop it off. Not this kid. First he covers it with butter, then breaks out the blow-torch. I still can't lift my arm above my head. I'm not convinced my hair will ever grow back.
8. Babies have no idea how a trapeze works. I swear I went over it with him a thousand times. I swing out, do a somersault, you catch me. What's so hard to comprehend? It's the most simple trapeze trick in the book. What happened? I swing out, do the somersault, then drop like a fucking rock because Limpy McNoMuscles got distracted by a clown. News flash, TYLER, that clown fucking hates you. Quite frankly, I'm not real fond of you either.
9. Babies do not have super human strength. I got trapped under a car recently. Long story, but I flashed on to the old "Superman" movies - you know, the ones with Christopher Reeve? In the first one, Jonathan Kent gets trapped under a truck while changing a tire, but baby Kal-El (soon to be better known as Clark Kent/aka Superman) lifts the truck up and saves hin. In real life, that doesn't happen. I'm stuck under this overturned Mazda, and I look over and see this baby just staring at me. I'm asking him for help, and what does he do? Crawls over and starts playing "Got Your Nose" with my face. Fucking useless.
10. Babies don't know anything about engines. Back in the mid-to-late 90's, I had a Mustang. I loved this car. LOVED it. Cherry red, five-speed, it was one of my dream cars. A car with balls, you know? So I take it in to get the oil changed, and my guy, for whatever reason, decided to let his grandson take care of it. If I had known that a baby was going to be changing my oil, trust me, I would have gone somewhere else. Anyway, I pick my car up a few hours later and I'm driving home. I get about a block and half from my place, and the car dies. Can't get it started, so I have it towed back to the garage. Find out, that while the baby knew how to drain oil, he didn't realize he had to put more in, so my engine burned up. Look, I'm no car-whiz, but I know that it won't run without oil. Then the little fucker denied he even touched it. And it's not like I can sue him. Who wants to be known as the douchebag who sued a baby?
Basically, all I'm saying is, yes, babies are cute. They smell good, for the most part. Watching them learn stuff is exciting. But, don't trust them with a lot of things. Let them handle all the cute shit- that's what they're good at. Peek-a-boo. Patty-cake patty-cake. Those kind of things. But for godssake, if you need to replace your lawnmower blade or clean out your septic tank, leave the babies out of it.
That's what toddlers are for.
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