There was a story in the news yesterday about some yahoo who named his kid Adolf Hitler Coleman and was all pissed off about how the local bakery wouldn't decorate a cake wishing little Adolf Hitler a happy birthday. Of course, Wal-Mart, always in search of an ever-available buck, had no problem with making sure Adolf and his sister Aryan Nation (I shit you not) got some cake. It got me thinking about names.
About a year and a half ago, I was working for a temp agency. Not in a round about way, but for the actual temp agency itself. The main part of this job was to sit at reception, answer phones, add up employee hours, and just basically hold down the fort. While at the front desk, I worked next to a lovely young lady originally from Indiana. Now, as a recent Chicago transplant and a huge Bears fan, I felt nothing but pity for her Hoosierness and disdain for her beloved Colts. Those two things aside, we got along quite well.
One day we were sitting there, and an older gentleman walked in.
"Hi, Harry!" she said. The exchanged pleasantries, and he stepped into the outer lobby, and began unloading some suitcases.
"Who is that?" I asked.
"Oh, that's Harry," she said. "He comes in about once a month to sell candy, popcorn, nuts, and other snacks. That kind of thing. His stuff is really good. You should get some."
Now, I'm not one to pass up a tasty treat. As I was pulling out my wallet, she got on the office intercom and made the following announcement:
"Harry Johnson is selling his nuts in the lobby. Harry Johnson is selling his nuts in the lobby."
I looked over at her, mouth agape. She looked back, realized what she was saying, and tried not to laugh.
"Harry Johnson.....his nuts.......lobby" is about the best she could do.
Before you say anything, I realize it is completely childish and sophomoric. But so am I, and dammit, I thought it was hysterical.
Knowing that people like myself are childish and sophmoric, you have to wonder, why do that to your child? This creature that you have created and, supposedly, love. Why in the name of all that is good, would you name your kid Harry Johnson? There are so many other names that go with Johnson other than Harry. Ralph. Dave. Mike. Even Beirut Johnson has a certain ring to it. But Harry? And if you are Harry Johnson, don't you think you would want to go into something other than the nut business? It's a joke that writes itself. It's like the old Jerry Seinfeld line about naming your kid Jeeves - you pretty much know what he's going to be when he grows up.
Everyone knows someone who knew someone who knew Ima Hogg who just happened to marry Joseph Pigg, but you know, someone out there named Hogg, at some point in the lineage, named their kid Ima. Then of course, you have all the celebrities with monikers like Apple, Suri and Kal-El. You know it's only a matter of time before ZootSuit Travolta comes bopping down the street.
The yutz who named his kid Adolf Hitler says that he's not racist or anti-semetic, and just wanted to give his kid a name that no one else in the world has. There's a reason for that, genius. Homicidal maniacs are probably better off not being used as namesakes. Dahmer Williams is going to have a tough go. Adolf Hitler Coleman - I can only imagine the therapy bills that are in this poor bastards future.
Personally, I don't care if you want to name your kid after a tree, your favorite dog, or a minor character in "The Lord of the Rings". To each, his own. But do your kid a favor, and project yourself into their shoes 40 years into the future. Would you like to be paged while walking in the mall: Nutmeg Mister Clean Jones, paging Nutmeg Mister Clean Jones.
Luckily for me, I don't have to worry about that. Everything goes with Wonderhorse.
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