Not to be done by her arch-rival, Martha Stewart held a press-conference yesterday in which she took repeated blows to her kidneys by her assistant wielding a pork shank.
Earlier this week, Paula Deen was hit in the face with a ham, but suffered no serious injuries. Stewart, clad in a smart business-suit, issued the following statement:
"While I appreciate the tenacity of Ms. Deen and am happy she is recovering, she is simply a pretender to the throne. I took a ham to the face when I was still in my teens, and you didn't see me making a big deal of it. Deen is just a pussy with a goofy accent, and to prove it, I would like to introduce my assistant Rochelle, who will pummel me with a pork shank."
Rochelle Matthews, her beautiful 25-year-old assistant, then walked out carrying the 8-pound shank. The two then reenacted the "Hit me in the face" scene from Raging Bull.
Stewart, 68, took the first three blows without even flinching. However, Matthews seemed to go off script, when she continued to hit her with the meat, each swing with increased intensity. Stewart did manage to get in a jab that seemed to momentarily knock the breath out of Matthews, but Matthews came back swinging. Finally, the two were seperated and pulled apart. Matthews could be heard shouting, "That's for giving me a spray-painted pine-cone for Christmas last year, you cheap, dirty whore!", as she was loaded into a car and driven away.
Stewart, whose eye was begining to swell shut, was asked about the punch she administered to Matthews. "I learned that in the joint. Bitches were always getting all up in my grill."
Stewart then wowed the reporters by fashioning a splint out of onionskins, coriander, and hair gel.
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