I got thinking about funerals today.
No, I'm not planning mine (but if I were, it would totally kick ass. Lemmee tell you, my funeral is going to be the social event of the season. People are going to scalping tickets, selling their firstborns, whatever they can do to get into that sucker. I don't want to reveal too much, but I'll give you two words: balloon animals). It's been awhile since I went to one. I had an aunt pass last week, but it was in Missouri, and I just couldn't get out there. Lame excuse, but it's the only one I have (by the way, 59 is far too young, in my opinion). Anyway, what got me thinking about funerals is something I read yesterday. It occured at Farrah Fawcett's and involved her partner, Ryan O'Neal. Apparently, at what we can assume was probably an emotionally horrible time in his life, O'Neal buried his girlfriend, then proceeded to hit on one of the other attendees. Problem was, said attendee was Oscar-winner Tatum O'Neal.
His daughter.
Personally, I never knew that was allowed. I don't have kids, and maybe that's something they tell you when they give you the little bundle of joy - "Congratulations, it's a girl! By the way, please don't hit on her in about 40 years" - I don't know. Anyway, it got me thinking about funeral etiquette and how you should behave.
1. Voice Throwing: I've always wanted to be able to throw my voice. Granted, those little dummies give me the creeps, but it's still a pretty cool skill to have. If you can throw your voice, by all means, let it fly. I've always wanted to be sitting there, only to hear a muffled "What the...? Lemme outta here!" or "The flames, my god, the flames!" coming from the box.
2. Real Estate Hunting: When giving your condolences to the family, go ahead and ask if the deceased was in a rent-controled apartment and how many square feet are now up for grabs. You never know, they may have been sitting on a goldmine.
3. Food at the Wake: Everyone remembers that Seinfeld episode with the double dipping. Well, double dipping is still considered rude, but there's nothing that says you can't reach in and grab a whole fistful of dip with your fingers. Pretend you are at an Ethopian restaurant. Also, while people tend to frown on pouring an entire tray of shrimp down your pants, the macaroni salad is fair-game. Trust me, nothing says "I'm sorry for your loss" like a crotch full of macaroni salad. So, load up, my friend. But, please, use the ladle. We do live in a society, you know.
4. Flowers: I have a problem with lillies. Mainly, their scent. In fact, I find lillies tend to smell worse than the guest of honor. Feel free to point this out to the widow: "Boy, Uncle Earl smells awful. But not as bad as these flowers!". He/She will appreciate your constructive advice and will make the necessary adjustments for next time.
5. A .40 To My Homies: In the movies, you often see people pouring a .40 ounce beverage over the gravesite of a dear departed friend. I've never seen this happen in real life, but I like to think it actually does occur. However, what to do if the recently lost was an alchoholic? Pouring a frosty cool one over him is kind of rubbing his face in the fact that he couldn't hold his liquor when he was alive. That's why I always carry a pot of clam chowder with me at all times. I mean, really - who doesn't enjoy a nice, hot, steaming pot of clam chowder?
6. Zombie Prevention: This one may vary family to family, but I find that lifting up the coffin lid and removing the head during the service is a noble act. In fact, you really are doing a public service. Think of how bad you would feel if you bury your favorite cousin Rusty, only to have him show up later that night wanting to feast on your cranial goo. Then you'll find yourself wishing someone had taken a little zombie prevention earlier in the day.
7. Face Painting: I'm a big Chicago Bears fan. While I've never been a face painter, I personally would have no problem with people showing up at my funeral sporting a bare-chest colored Bears orange and blue. You could get a whole group together and spell out my name if you want. That'd be a nice send off. Just don't do the wave - that's just fucking obnoxious.
8. Air Horns: Air horns are ALWAYS appropriate.
9. Speak Your Mind: If you found Uncle Pete to be an asshole, chances are you're not the only one. Let everyone else know what a cheap bastard you thought he was. Like that time when you wanted a Sony Walkman for your birthday, and the best he came up with was a Soby Walkguy. Damned thing ate your "Purple Rain" cassette on only the second listen. Give the casket a good kick on your way back to your seat.
10. Jokes!: Use the wake to work on your stand-up routine. God knows, these people could use a good laugh (funerals are so damned depressing!). Put the "fun" back into funeral, and let fly with some of your best Child Molester jokes. Before you know it, people will be having a grand old time, and if you're lucky, maybe you'll even book a gig at the Liebovitz bar-mitzvah.
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