Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Can I Pee?, or The Magic of James Garner

December 5, 2008


I used to work at a bank in the Loop in Chicago with a guy named, let's say, Jim. Jim was an EXTREMELY nice older man (probably in his 60's), always very friendly, never really had anything bad to say about anyone, almost annoyingly nice. Jim had two problems, though:
1. Possibly the worlds worst toupee. It looked as if it were constructed by a band of deranged robins, and
2. A habit of repeating sentences. Instead of a simple, "Good morning", it was always "Good morning. Good Morning. Good morning." I don't think it was an OCD thing. I heard he had suffered a brain injury at some point, and I know a lot of people found him to be odd, but for some reason, I found the guy endlessly fascinating.
Knowing that I was an actor, he would come up to me on a weekly basis and say, "You know who is a good actor? James Garner. James Garner." This happened every week. Every week. Every week. This guy LOVED James Garner. Now, personally, I have nothing bad to say about James Garner. I enjoyed Rockford. I enjoyed Maverick. I enjoyed those Polaroid commercials with Marriette Hartley. But Jim REALLY enjoyed James Garner. I believe he wanted Jack Valenti brought up on charges of Crimes Against Humanity for never giving James Garner an Oscar, honorary or otherwise.
A couple of other problems of Jim: he was a close-talker (just got right up in your personal space), and would often have conversations with himself. Conversations that would often end in laughter. Just his, mind you, but laughter nonetheless.
I went into the washroom one day, and could hear Jim having a discussion in one of the stalls. As I stood at the urinal, I smiled, because, let's be honest, there is nothing funnier than a harmless, yet possibly crazy person. Anyway, Jim finishes up, steps out of the stall and sees me at the urinal. We chat while he washes his hands.
"Have you been out today? Beautiful day. Beautiful day. Beautiful day"
"No Jim, haven't made it out."
"You should go. You should go. Beautiful. Beautiful."
"Ok, I will".
He then starts to move in for the close talk.
"You should go for a walk. A walk. Beautiful day for a walk. Beautiful day."
I'm not ashamed to admit, I can get the stage-fright in public bathrooms. Especially when I'm confronted with a close-talking, toupee-wearing older guy. I look over to Jim, kind of nod at the urinal, and say, "Uh, Jim? Kinda busy here. Maybe later."
Jim, big smile on his face, says, "Oh, of course. Of course. Of course." and leaves the washroom to carry on his day.
This whole scene, of course, gets me laughing. The more I replay it, the more I laugh. Then I realize if someone walks in at that moment, they will catch me, penis in hand, laughing at nothing, with no one. Much like Jim. Which provokes more laughter.
I don't work there anymore, and don't necessarily miss it. But I do go through Jim moments. Last I heard, he took his 94-year-old mother to Branson for vacation (I believe it was their 4th outing to Branson together).  I hope he had fun.
And maybe this is James Garner's year.

No comments:

Post a Comment