It's time for a change.
I've been thinking about this for awhile now, and the time finally seems to be right. I've gone over it and over it, and really, I don't see why I should put it off any longer. In fact, I really can't believe it's taken me this long to take it up. It's been sitting right there in front of me the whole time, just waiting to be plucked. Well, the time is now, it's new leaf time, and I'm giving notice.
I'm going to start speaking with an accent.
I'm very excited about this prospect. I think an accent will give me the kind of gravitas and respect I am so desperately looking for. Finally, people will actually stop and listen to what I'm saying, nodding their head as I spew forth so many foreign pearls of wisdom. As you know, everything sounds more intelligent when said with an accent. Especially a British one. Say what you will about our brothers across the pond, they sound like they know what they're talking about. Deliverance wouldn't have worked nearly as well if it were set in West Brillingshireshire.
For instance, take the sentence "Pardon me ma'am. I seem to have a badger lodged in my nose". Now, say it with a southern accent. Go ahead, I'll wait.
How'd it go? You sound like a mental patient, don't you? A complete lunatic. You say that to someone in downtown Chicago using that accent, I guarantee you the first thing that person will think is, "What kind of backwoods hillbilly is this, and why are they talking to me?".
Now, say that exact same sentence, only using a British accent. You'll have a dozen people surrounding you within seconds offering to help you with badger removal. People you've never met will start whipping out badger extraction kits quicker than you can say "Henry the VIIIth". Suddenly, you've gone from being a yokel to absolutely delightful! I don't know that I've EVER been absolutely delightful, and dammit, it's about time I give it a try.
I'm thinking I may even switch the accent up from time to time, depending on the situation. Since I'm already Irish, I can throw down a brogue on a moments notice. I can see where that could come in really handy. Especially at a bar. I let loose with an Irish brougue here in the states, and before I know it, I'll be bombarded with pints of Guinness and shots of Jamison's. Let me tell you, if you're going to be bombarded with anything, you can do a lot worse than those two treats.
I may even let fly with a Scottish accent every now and then. Especially if I want to be left alone or just screw with peoples heads. I love the look people give you when you start using a lot "Aachhs" and trills and are trying to figure out what the hell you're saying. Plus, thanks to Groundskeeper Willie, people know that Scots tend to be on the temperamental side, so there's a good chance they'll pretty much steer clear, lest they get a lecture about sheep stomachs and a punch to the face.
Yessir, soon I'll be pip-pipping with the best of 'em. I'll be taking lifts, living in flats, watching the telly, taking the pram out for a stroll and carrying a bumbershoot. Respect, come on in and have a seat. I hope you enjoy your stay.
Cheerio.
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