For whatever reason, cannibals leapt into my mind as I was driving to work this morning. I'm not sure I get cannibals. I mean, I certainly understand if you are a soccer-player and your plane goes down on a mountain, so you have to resort to eating your goalie - that makes perfect sense. I mean who of us would pass on Enrique if that's all there was keeping us from certain death? I might not be the first one to the table, but if it's between my survival and an already dead Peruvian, well, let's just say, I'm keeping an open mind.
No, what I'm curious about is your regular, everyday kind of cannibal. You know, the kindly cannibal who lives next door, who carpools with you to work every morning, who you exchange pleasantries with while washing the truck on a Saturday. What is it that goes off in their minds and makes them think the cannibal lifestyle is the way to go? You're sitting there at the neighborhood BBQ, enjoying your burger, and suddenly you think to yourself, "You know, this just isn't doing it for me. I wonder what Steve would taste like hickory-smoked?" That's a leap I can't quite wrap my mind around.
How do you take that first taste, I wonder. Where do you ever get the opportunity in the first place? In my almost 40 years on this planet, I've been around, oh, let's say, six dead people, give or take. I gotta say, I never once wondered how they would taste batter-dipped.
Is there a cannibal community, and how did they feel about Dahmer? Was there a certain sense of pride, or was he a black-eye? I'm guessing there are probably some who thought he set the cannibal agenda back several years. All that progress, undone by a guy who worked in a chocolate factory. I'm guessing it was all the skull-drilling that did the most harm. It certainly couldn't have helped. Then, I suppose you have to put up with all the people lumping you in with zombies. Zombies and cannibals are two different peoples entirely, yet Dahmer comes along, and there you go, the two are forever linked. That must be tiring, always having to say, "NO, I'm NOT a zombie. Zombies are the mindless undead who feast on brains. I'M a cannibal, meaning I enjoy the human flesh, and yes, I am very much alive." That has to be difficult.
However, with the population exploding, I suppose the upshot is a steady food supply.
I would think the cannibal lifestyle is a very lonely one. You can't really call someone over for dinner, unless you are planning on having them for dinner. It's not like you can dine out much. As far as I know, there are no fast-food places that cater to cannibals, although I'm not 100% sure about Taco Bell. I still don't know what constitutes a chalupa.
How would you even bring up your cannibalistic tendencies? I imagine that's a tough conversation to have: "Dave, great job on closing that deal today. And, oh, by the way, I REALLY want to eat Jenkins." Plus, do cannibals date? You don't really hear of too many female cannibals. I have never heard of cannibal mixers. I'm pretty sure there aren't any cannibal dating websites. That must be pretty lonely.
Man, I'm glad I'm not a cannibal.
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