I love me some infomercials. Love 'em. Especially if they have a spokesman that looks like he might be one step away from being classified as "seriously deranged". Throw in a New Jersey accent and an eye that floats more than Sammy Davis Junior's, and I'm sold. Well, the makers of Shamwow hit the motherfucking jackpot with Vince.
Oh Shamwow, absorber of all things liquidy! Is there no end to your marvels?
The first thing you notice about Vince, other than his unfortunate eye thing and hip fauxhawk, is the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation headset. I'm guessing we are meant to believe he is trying to speak over a crowd of some sort. Unfortunately, he comes off more like he should be giving clearance to United 47 on Runway 3-B. Or at the very least, that he's ready to take my order for a large chalupa.
He then tells us that this modern miracle of science is "made in Germany. You know the Germans always make good stuff." Always? That's a pretty strong statement there, Vince. Now, I'll give you beer. Germans do know how to make a good beer. If we Irish weren't around, trust me, the Germans would be your go-to-guys. But, when the thing you're best known for is..., oh, I don't know, say...., a holocaust, maybe "always" isn't something you want to throw around willy-nilly.
But here is where it goes completely off the rails for me. He pours some soda on a piece of carpet, and starts telling you all the things Shamwow will suck out of your rug: "Here's some cola, wine, coffee, cola, head stains, not only will the damage be on top..."
Whoa, wait a minute. Head stains? What the fuck are head stains? If your head is leaving stains, put down the Shamwow, and get to the fucking hospital, you nut job. I actually had to go to the website to discover the truth: I believe he is saying PET stains, which obviously makes much more sense, but I swear to god it sounds like he's saying head stains. Come to think of it, I would be much more likely to buy Shamwow if I knew it COULD soak up head stains. You never know when that might come in handy.
I really like the casual ease Vince has with the everyday joe - "You followin' me, cameraguy?" Cameraguy. Vince doesn't have time to learn names! Vince has towels to sell, man! Damned if he's going to let some slow-moving teamster named Mel slow him down! Follow, cameraguy! Follow like the wind!
I like that Vince is looking out for my pocketbook. "You're gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels - you're throwing your money away." As my girlfriend says, who the hell is spending $20 a month on paper towels? What kind of house of horrors are you living in that you are dropping $20 a month on paper towels?? Perhaps you should save that $20, and move to someplace that isn't quite as leaky.
Again, Vince is a busy man - "If you call now, within the next twenty minutes... 'cause we can't do this all day..." Really, Vince? You have somewhere else you need to be? I gotta say, I think you're lying. You're lying to me now, Vince. You and I both know, you have nowhere else to be. All you have to look forward to tonight is a garden apartment, some left-over mac and cheese, and maybe, MAYBE, a little masturbation. That's it. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that. That's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I say, embrace it.
I just discovered another product Vince is selling - The Slap Chop. "You're gonna be in a great mood all day, because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away."
See? There you go. Embrace it.
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