Ramon enjoyed a good breakfast.
It was the one constant in his otherwise untidy life. He was a traveler, a man always on the move with no place to settle down. Whatever corner of the world he found himself in, however, he always made sure to hunt down the best breakfast place around and indulge.
Ramon found himself wandering the backroads of Newman's Corners, Iowa, population 270. He wandered into town, if the one street could actually be called a town, cigarette in mouth. As he strolled the sidewalk, his nostrils went into overdrive. The scent of bacon and eggs was overpowering. Ramon followed his trusty nose, and came to a stop on the front steps of Rose's Diner. He pushed open the door and stepped in.
It was like walking into a time-warp. The formica tabletops, the black & white checkerboard-square-tiled floor, the swivel-stools at the counter. Even the few patrons in the diner looked like they had stepped out of a Grant Wood painting. With Patsy Cline serenading him from the jukebox, Ramon sat himself at the counter and grabbed a laminated menu.
"Coffee?" she said. Ramon looked up. There stood a woman in her mid-80's, coffee pot in hand. The tag on her uniform read Lucille.
"Yes, Lucille," Ramon said. "Coffee would be nice."
"I'll give you a minute," Lucille said, as she filled his white cup with the steaming black liquid. Ramon perused the menu, while Lucille began to wipe down the other end of the counter.
As Ramon read, one item stood out. Towards the bottom, Ramon saw listed "Pancakes of Ridiculousness: Large Stack - $5.00, Short Stack - $2.50". Intrigued, Ramon called Lucille.
"Oh, Lucille," Ramon said, waving his hand. She approached. "Lucille, I'm curious, can you tell me about the Pancakes of Ridiculousness? What makes them ridiculous, if I may ask."
Lucille smiled. "Sugar, those are just about the best pancakes you will ever eat. They are so doggoned good, that it's just ridiculous."
"Sold," Ramon said. "I shall have the Pancackes of Ridiculousness. Short stack, please."
"Keep in mind," Lucille said. "The short stack is two pancakes."
"That's perfect," Ramon said. "Two will be just fine."
"Very good," Lucille said. She walked away, and placed the order slip in the stainless steel wheel. Ramon smiled as he saw the short order cook spin the wheel and remove the paper. Ramon spun the stool and looked at his fellow diners. Everyone seems so happy, Ramon thought. Perhaps I could make a home here. Perhaps it's time to stop running. As he sat there thinking, Lucille came from behind the counter, pullling a metal contraption on a long pole and wheels with her. She placed it next to Ramon and crossed back behind the counter. Ramon gave it no thought.
Soon, Ramon could smell the Pancakes of Ridiculousness wafting in the air. His salivary glands began to work overtime, and his stomach growled with impatience. Lucille crossed to him, a bedsheet in hand. She stood behind him and tied it around his neck in a makeshift bib. Ramon smiled, and she wheeled the metal contraption to his side. She extended the arm, which consisted of four clamps. She placed each clamp to both side of his upper and lower mouth, and began to turn the crank. The clamps began to move in opposite directions, widening his mouth farther and farther until his jaw became unhinged. Ramon became concerned.
Lou, the short order cook, came from the kitchen clutching a wheelbarrow.
"What is that???" Ramon managed to spit out.
"Why," Lucille said. "These are the Pancakes of Ridiculousness."
The wheelbarrow was stacked with two pancakes, each weighing 50 pound and measuring 4 feet in diameter. Each flapjack had three sticks of melted butter, four bags of powdered sugar, two cases of strawberries, six gallons of CoolWhip, 18 gallons of maple syrup and topped with a cherry. Lou pulled on a pair of long rubber gloves and grabbed the shovel that was in the wheelbarrow. For the next hour and a half, Lou shoveled scoop after scoop of pancake into Ramon's mouth. After 20 minutes, Ramon could feel his pants begin to fit tighter. After 40 minutes, Ramon began to sweat profusely. After an hour, Ramon lost consciousness.
When Ramon came to, the wheelbarrow beside him was empty, stained with syrup and whipped cream. The bib was covered in pancacke, and the metal contraption beiside him was bent and contorted. Lucille stood over him. Ramon silently groaned, as he rubbed his sore jaws.
"How was everything?" Lucille asked.
Ramon groaned.
"Can I bring you anything else?" Lucille questioned.
Ramon struggled to raise his head, Lucille coming in and out of his blurry vision. He slowly opened his mouth.
"How's the French Dip?" Ramon asked.
"The French Dip of Insanity?" Lucille asked. "Delicious!"
Ramon smiled.
"I'll take one to go."
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