Wow. I can't believe I actually saw that. In fact, I actually had to rewind just to make sure I was seeing it correctly. Yep, there it is. Can't deny it's existence. It's right there - captured for all time.
Nicolas Cage just punched a woman while dressed in a bear suit.
Nicolas Cage can be a good actor sometimes (see Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas). Other times he can be a downright horrible actor (see...well... pretty much everything else he's ever done). Last night I sat down and took in a little opus called The Wicker Man (I'm a little late to the party - it came out in 2006. But, I've been really busy). Why would I watch this, you ask? So you wouldn't have to. As the poster says, Some Sacrifices Must Be Made.
In case you don't know, The Wicker Man was a remake of the 1973 cult film starring Christopher Lee. I've seen the original, and at the risk of speaking blasphemy, I have to admit, I didn't much care for it. Don't get me wrong, it's okay, but I wasn't blown away as I was promised. The basic plot: A devoutly Christian police officer visits a remote private island searching for a missing girl, only to find the residents are all pagans and claim the girl never existed. The original certainly has some things going for it - Edward Woodward plays priggish very well, Christopher Lee wears some groovy robes, and you have Britt Ekland enjoying a nude flail around her bedroom. As far as I'm concerned, most movies don't have nearly enough nude flailing.
In the remake, Mr. Cage is cast as the cop, who isn't really Christian, and not necessarily priggish. He just yells a lot and is generally a pain in the ass to all of those around him. To be fair, everyone on the island is not very welcoming, but the minute he steps on land, he just starts going anywhere he wants, bossing everyone around while being a sarcastic prick. For the next hour and thirty minutes, he yells, bugs out his eyes, gets trapped in a well, yells some more, gets attacked by bees, falls down a hill, yells some more, hits a lesbian, dresses in a bear suit, body slams Leelee Sobieski, yells a little more, punches another woman while dressed in bear suit, calls a roomful of schoolchildren liars, has his knees broken, yells some more, forces a woman to give him her bicycle at gunpoint and is made to wear a helmet of bees. Or as I like to call it, just another Wednesday.
If you've seen this, you know what a hoot the helmet of bees really is. I knew this was supposed to be a bad movie, but the joy I felt watching Cage scream, "Not the bees! NOT THE BEES! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!" was a pleasure I was not expecting to experience. Actually, to my disappointment, real bees weren't used. In fact, he really should have been yelling, "NOT THE BADLY COMPUTER-GENERATED BEES! NOT THE BADLY COMPUTER-GENERATED BEES!", but I can see how that would have really taken you out of the movie.
Can we all agree to stop ignoring the fact that Nicolas Cage wears a rug? A bad rug, at that? Bruce Willis is forced to wear some bad rugs in his movies, but we don't mind, because we know he's bald, he knows he's bald, no harm, no foul. Nic hasn't quite revved up the courage to pull a Bruce and embrace his baldness. As a result, he goes into the Hollywood Hall of Fame of Bad Toupees. The rug he's wearing in this thing gives a performance all of its own, and isalmost convincing as hair. I especially liked the scene where he swims out to a plane and gets out of the water with a dry scalp. I've found there's nothing more refreshing than a dip in some non-wet water.
To his credit, Cage looks like he's really sinking his teeth into this one. He does seem to be fairly invested in his role. The same can't be said of Ellen Burstyn, whom actually seems to be in physical pain. Especially when she has to come out with half of her face painted blue like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, and the other half painted white like Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. Two horrible looks for the price of one. She's actually quite good in the movie, because not once does she say, "You know, I was nominated for an Oscar five years ago. What in the flying fuck am I doing in this?".
It's an awful movie, one big hot mess of mysogyny and bad acting. I loved every minute of it. I'm a big movie fan - love the good ones, and love the bad ones. There's just something about watching a movie go so wrong so quickly that you simply can't look away. The nice thing is, Hollywood manages to shit out so many tremendously bad ones every year, that there will never be a shortage of crap to choose from. I've yet to work up the courage to tackle The Hottie and the Nottie, but don't worry - I'll get around to it.
I just have to get my bear suit back from the cleaners.
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