So, a couple of weeks ago, I bought a house. As someone who has been a renter since I left the nest, this was a huge thing. No longer will I have to ask permission to paint one wall black and one wall with pink and green stripes. If I want an indoor firepit, by god, I can have one. If I choose to host a weekend of monkey boxing, there's no one to stand in my way. I mean, as long as the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse says it's okay.
Yesterday, I proudly hung my Chicago Bears flag outside, assuredly pissing off the Broncos-loving neighbors. As I stood there, watching the navy blue and orange flutter in the breeze, I started thinking about all the things I'm going to do with my new purchase.
First off, I want a moat. Nothing says No, you can't talk to me about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ like a good old-fashioned moat. Plus, with a moat, you get the added bonus of a draw-bridge. I've always wanted a draw-bridge. With a moat, you know some persistent saleman is going to look at it and sayThat little moat isn't going to stop me - I'll just swim across. That's going to be a mistake. See, this isn't going to be just any average moat. This is going to be a special moat. The moat with the most. First, I'm not going to fill it with water. Nope, it's going to be filled with pudding. Wait, Shel, you're thinking. I likepudding! Ham flavored pudding? Didn't think so. That's definitely going to make someone think twice.
Most people who dive into a moat are going to be on the lookout for crocodiles. They are going to be in for a huge surprise when they cannonball into mine. What's scarier than a crocodile?
Baboons.
Trust me, Insurance Saleman Bob isn't going to know what hit him when he's expecting a croc, and gets a facefull of baboon. What are you going to do when you see Mr. Razor Teeth coming at you like a pudding-loving Michael Phelps? Damn straight you're going to rethink your gameplan. Most people have no idea how much baboons like zipping around in ham pudding. Trust me, those little bastard can move.
There are all sorts of home improvement ideas I have. Construct mailbox out of Legos. Wallpaper living room with thousands of Sherman Hemsley's headshots - nothing says home like the loving gaze of George Jefferson. Replace all the pipes with sippy-straws.
I will finally be able to fulfill my dream of having a bedroom dedicated to all of my Bea Arthur memorabillia.
I'm breaking out the welcome mat that says "If the house is-a-rockin', don't bother a-ringing-the-doorbell".
You may not know this about me, but I'm a rather passionate muralist. I'm excited about getting the chance to display some of my pieces. I've already started working on the garage door: a shirtless George "Goober" Lindsey having a swordfight with Casimir Pulaski.
Oh, there's all sorts of things that are going to be happening at the brand new Wonderhorse Love Emporium. I'd love to tell you everything I'm planning on doing, but I need to get going.
Wal-Mart is having an End of Season Baboon Blowout.
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