Dear Chainsaw-Wielding Maniac,
How's it going? I hope life is treating you well. I'm not exactly sure what you were barbequeing the other night, but I had to admit, it smelled quite tasty and the whole neighborhood was swathed in the tempting odors of mesquite.
So, we've been neighbors for what, three, four years now? I think we've actually gotten along pretty well, wouldn't you agree? If I remember correctly, when I first moved in, you were the first person to come over and welcome us to the neighborhood. In fact, that bottle of wine you included in the fruit basket was one of the best Merlots we've ever had. Remember that block party - August '06? Man, that was a hoot! We had just moved in, and you got that great game of Frisbee Golf going - what a fun time. I believe that was the night I asked you what you did for a living, and you said, "Me? Oh, I'm a Chainsaw-Wielding Maniac." I will admit, I was a bit taken aback at first. I believe I said, "By Chainsaw-Wielding Maniac, does that mean you kidnap and torture young teenagers and hack their bodies into pieces?" You kind of chuckled and said, "Yep, that's it in a nutshell. It's not a bad gig - you set your own hours, and the health plan is pretty solid." I appreciated your honesty. Since then, I feel like we've had a mutual respect for each other, and I've truly enjoyed our Sunday morning conversations over the fence. The story about your mother and her reactions to your childhood facial deformities were especially touching.
Look, I don't want to offend you (for obvious reasons) and there's no easy way to put this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. Throw it against the wall and see what sticks. Run it up the flagpole and see who salutes. Since we live right next door to you, the neighborhood association felt that I was the right person to bring this to your attention. Boy, I'm pretty embarrased about the whole thing, to be honest. Anyway, there have been a few complaints lately. Most of us don't care what you do in your free-time. Personally, I find it somewhat soothing when I see you dancing under the full-moon while wearing the skin-suit of the local librarian. Sure, there have been times when the screaming has been a bit much, but everytime I've come over to ask if you wouldn't mind keeping it down a bit, you were always apologetic and, true to your word, the screaming would soon stop. Personally, I have always found you to be a true gentleman. Anyway, the association has had some complaints, and again, I just want to bring them to your attention.
They are quite concerned about the length of your grass.
Apparently, there are some that feel you've let the state of your lawn go a bit, and as a result, your yard kind of stands out as being overgrown. I'm sure you are more than aware of this, but they felt it would be prudent to mention it. I did tell them that I thought you had been out of town for awhile, in which they of course suggested someone just cut it while you were gone. I told them that was fairly rude, and they should just bring it to your attention. If you want, I would be more than happy to cut it for you, especially if you find yourself heading out of town. Just let me know. If I'm not available, I'm sure one of the kids around here would do it. If you don't happen to have a lawnmower, you are more than welcome to borrow mine. Just come over and grab it and stick it back in the shed when you're done. Oh, and I noticed the other day that some branches from our crapapple tree were winding their way onto your side of the fence. Feel free to trim those back if they are bugging you - I know you have the pruning equipment - ha ha.
Alright, again, I'm sorry I had to bring it up, but I said I would. Let me know if you want me to take care of it.
Sincerely,
Sheldon the Wonderhorse
PS: I don't know if you heard, but we are moving. We found ourselves needing some more space, so we're heading over to the southwest part of town. Anyway, we're going to have a big farewell BBQ on the 23rd, and it just wouldn't be the same without you there.
PPS: We sold the house to a lovely couple of newlyweds. I know you'll make them feel as welcome as you made us feel!
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