An Open Letter to the White Guy at the Gym With the Afro

March 16, 2009

Dear White Guy at the Gym With the Afro,

First off, I congratulate you on your bold choice. You've chosen a look that will certainly seperate you from everyone else - so, yay individuality!

But, I have to tell you, it's a look that you just can't pull off.

I know, I know, it's hard to hear, but it's just not working. If it were the mid-70's and you were the bassist for, say, Boston, I'd be behind you. Sadly, it's not the 70's, and won't be again for another 61 years or so. As it stands now, you look like someone who lost a bet. Or got trapped in some horrible time/space continuim.

I do admit that I find you somewhat fascinating to watch while I'm on the treadmill. It's oddly entertaining to look over and see nothing but a giant cirle of hair and tube socks using the weight machines. When I see you there, I like to picture you as the starting forward for some obscure ABA basketball team like the Kentucky Colonels. Either that, or you are just getting one last workout in before hitting the floor at the Disco-round.

I don't want you to think this is a personal attack. It's really not. Like I said, I'm all for individuality. I just think the afro is a tough look for a white guy to pull off. Especially a white guy with red hair. When I was a kid, there was a cartoon called "The Hair Bear Bunch", and it was basically three hippy bears, and one had an afro. That's who you look like. A skinny bear with an afro.  

 

Look, I feel your pain, I really do. I mean, look at me. I have hair, then I don't have hair, then I have hair - what's that about? What started as a skin yarmulke is working it's way to the full blown Mr. Weatherbee. I'm not happy about it. I've thought of just shaving it all off, but the fact is, I know I can't pull it off. I won't look cool like Michael Jordan, I'll look like a freshly-shorn testicle. Few people can pull off the completely bald look and still look cool. Same thing can be said for the afro. You and I, my friend, are not those people.  It sucks.

Look at it this way, if you stick with this particular hairstyle, this could very well be your future:

 

Believe me, this didn't help his case. At all.