I think I can say this with all honesty: For the first time ever in my life, I woke up this morning thinking about Paul Lynde.
The first question I had was: Why the fuck am I thinking about Paul Lynde? Of all the obscure showbiz people, why Paul Lynde? Why not Larry Storch? Why not Charlie Weaver? Why not Billy Barty? Why in the hell did I wake up with this image running through my head:
I know really very little about Paul Lynde. I remember him from "Bye Bye Birdie", as Uncle Arthur on "Bewitched", and of course, "The Hollywood Squares" as the chortling, double-entendre-quipping center square. But that's really about it. Reading about him online, boy are my eyes being opened.
In 1976, ABC aired "The Paul Lynde Halloween Special". My first thought was: Who the hell would want to watch that? Let me tell you now: ME. Here's the plot: Margaret Hamilton as the Wicked Witch of the West from "The Wizard of Oz" and Billie Hayes as Witchiepoo from "HR Pufnstuff" grant Paul three wishes. Oky....first off, what is the connection between Witchiepoo and the Wicked Witch of the West? Are they cousins? Friends? Sorority sisters? Second, why does Paul Lynde get wishes granted? He's a tv sensation - his wishes have already been granted. And why the hell are WITCHES granting wishes anyway? Isn't that the job of genies? If I was a genie, I'd be getting my union all over their asses.
Paul's first wish is to become a trucker. Say that with me now: Paul Lynde as a trucker. Then he wants to become a shiek. Once again, say it with me: Paul Lynde as a shiek. Finally, for his third wish, Paul allows the witches to use a wish. That was pretty nice of him, you have to admit. What to they want? To go to a disco. A disco? That's kind of lame. Especially in 1976. Do you need to piss away a wish on something that you could very easily just hop in a cab and go to? For Christsake, in '76, there was a disco on every corner.
But check out the guest stars: Tim Conway, Betty White, the afore-mentioned Billy Barty, Florence Henderson (who apparently does a disco version of "That Old Black Magic"), Roz "Pinky Tuscadero" Kelly from "Happy Days" (who I only remember having enormous breasts to my 7 year-old eyes), Donny & Marie, and KISS. Yes. KISS. KISS and Paul Lynde. That was all I needed. I busted my ass right over to Netflix, praying this was available on DVD. Well, today is my lucky day because it IS, and needless to say, I put this sucker in the queue immediately. Now, I don't do drugs, and I don't drink nearly like I used to. That being said, in order watch this, some sort of altered state may be required to bring out the sheer lunacy.
Apparently Paul was a big time boozehound. Apparently it contributed to him dying at age 55, which is pretty damned young. Also, according to his IMDB page, in 1965, he and his partner went out, got completely blasted, went back to their hotel room. His partner went to show him a trick, dangled off their balcony, slipped and fell like eight stories. I'm guessing if you weren't into booze before something like that, there's a good chance you would be after.
And that's another thing. Did you know Paul Lynde was gay? How did they manage to keep that a secret? He didn't fit the stereotypical 70's homosexual image at all. In all of his interviews, he just said he was a life-long "bachelor". Huh. You learn something new everyday. Next you'll tell me Charles Nelson Reilly was gay as well. Now there was a guy who could pull off wearing an ascot.
I always liked Paul Lynde, I suppose. Let me put it this way, I had no reason to dislike him. He always made me chuckle when he was on the Squares. Plus he was the rat in "Charolette's Web", which gave him instant credibility to me as a kid. But the question remains: Why the fuck am I thinking about Paul Lynde?
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