I got thinking about the states today.
You know, these United ones. The ones that are represented on the flag by all the stars. I got thinking about those stars, and I realized that even though I've visited some of them, I haven't really THOUGHT about them. Needless to say, I've never considered grading them on their merit. I thought it was time I did a little book learnin', and see what makes these places tick (By the way, this post was completely inspired by the old Slumbering Lungfish website - one of the best). So, here we go! First up:
THE NORTHEAST
Maine: I think I'd like Maine. I owe all of my knowledge of Maine to Stephen King. Maine seems like possibly the scariest place on earth. I like scary. Plus, they got lobster, and I like lobster just as much as I like scary. Way to go, Maine. Grade: A-
New Hampshire: Never been to New Hampshire, and I'm sure it's full of nice people and all, but NH kind of bugs me. I don't like how over the last few elections they've been getting all up in Iowa's face and saying "HEY! WE COUNT MORE THAN YOU DO". Face it New Hampshire, you're second. Deal with it. But, I do like your foliage. Grade: C
Vermont: I love autumn, and I'm guessing there is probably no better place to fall than Vermont. Plus you have the headquarters of Ben & Jerry's. I could really go for some Cherry Garcia & autumn right about now. I always get the sense that Vermont smells like burning firewood. On the other hand, it may also smell like hippies, so you may have to take the hit on that one. Grade: B+
Massachusetts: I have a begrudging respect for MA. I mean, that's pretty much Ground Zero for everything Revolutionary War-related. You have to respect that. Then again, there was that whole witch-burning thing. That was really fucked up. Grade: B
Rhode Island: I like Rhode Island, even though I've never been there. I like how you know you're the smallest, and you seem to be okay with it. No Napoleon complex for you. I dated a girl once who was from Rhode Island. I really liked her - I mean REALLY liked her. She dumped me. It kind of sucked. But, I won't hold it against you. Grade: B-
Connecticut: You bug me. I'm sorry, you do. First you have a silent "c" right in the middle of your name. Who the fuck has a silent "c"? It seems like a state full of rich people who say, "We have so much money, we don't have to pronounce all of our consonants". You can suck my balls for that reason alone, Connecticut. Grade: D+
New York: You have to give it to New York. They've managed to sequester some of the most obnoxious people on earth into one city, yet still be damned enticing. You also border Canada, and I've never been screwed over by a Canadian. You can hate NYC, but you have to also respect it at the same time. Grade: A-
New Jersey: Poor New Jersey. The perpetual middle child, living in the shadow of it's more famous big brother. I think that's why I kind of like Jersey. Living in the shadow, but still not taking shite. Plus, you gave us Springsteen. For that reason alone, we owe you a big one. Grade: B+
Pennsylvania: Look, it's not you, Pennsylvania. It's me. I'm just going through a really rough patch right now, and as much as I like being around you, I just can't be WITH you. But maybe we can still be friends. Grade: C
Delaware: You're kind of the anti-Rhode Island. You're small, but you keep telling everyone you're not. Hey, Delaware. You're small. Suck it up. Grade: C-
Maryland: Maryland is sort of the redheaded step-child of New England. Constantly ignored and usually forgotten about. But, they shot "The Wire" in Baltimore, so that's gotta count for something. Grade: C
Washington DC: Sorry, you're not a state. I don't make the rules. But, I do dig your monuments. Grade: N/A
West Virginia: I know WV is supposed to be really nice, but honestly, all I can picture are coal miners. Not that that's a bad thing. I've met a couple of people over the years from West Virginia, and I believe that any one of them could kick my ass and feel absolutely no regret about it. You have to respect that. Grade: C
Virginia: Virginia seems like what they had in mind when they built this country - it always seems to be trying so hard to be dignified. Yet, you're perfectly aware you're only a few hundred miles from pork rinds and banjo music. But, nice try. Grade: C+
Ohio: Poor Ohio. The butt of so many jokes, yet, like your brethren in New Jersey, you keep hoping for the best. Yeah, it smells bad in Ohio, and everyone you meet who's from there all tell you about how they couldn't wait to get the hell out, but I have a little love for you. What can I say, I like an underdog. Plus, you had a lake actually catch on fire. Grade: B-
THE SOUTH
North Carolina: Oh, NC - tobacco grower/cancer supplier to the world. For me, North Carolina always seems to be in a perpetual time-warp: it's always the opening credits to "The Andy Griffith Show". But, what the hell, I like whistling, and you did give us Michael Jordan. Thanks for that, by the way. Grade: C+
Tennessee: I gotta say, I really like Tennessee. Memphis & Nashville are great towns with some great music, and I don't even really like country. Plus, you folks know how to eat. I like a state that knows how to eat. If Tennessee was good enough for the King, then by god, it's good enough for the rest of us. Grade: A-
South Carolina: Honestly, I have nothing good or bad to say about you, SC. I do wish you well, though. Grade: C
Georgia: You inspired a hell of a Ray Charles song, Georgia. Sadly, you also employed Michael Vick, and as a result, when I think of you, I now think of peaches and electrocuding dogs. Sorry - I know it's not your fault, but, what can you do. Grade: C-
Florida: I really want to hate you Florida, especially after what happened a few years ago. Yet, you keep sucking me back in. You have more humidity than anyone should ever be allowed to experience, but you are very visually appealing. Plus, my dad has always wanted to visit Havana, and you may be the closest he gets. But if you fuck up another election, so help me.... Grade: C+
Alabama: I'll be honest, Alabama, you scare the shit out of me. I realize it's completely based on stereotypes and movie cliches and is totally unfair, but you do. But, you did put Helen Keller on the back of your quarter, so I suppose that should count for something. Grade: D
Mississippi: Your name is fun to spell. But some of the things you did back in the 60's were extremely unpleasant. Yet, I'm pulling for you. Grade: D
Louisiana: Talk about taking one in the teeth. You completely got screwed a couple of years back. That being said, it sounds like you are slowly getting back to what you once were. By the way, your music and food are second to none. Grade: B
Arkansas: You know the problem with Arkansas? It's just too goddamned hot. Seriously. Have you been to Arkansas in July? Of course not. Why in gods name would you go to Arkansas in July? Grade: C-
Oklahoma: Of all the states, definitely the most fun one to sing. It always seems like soldiers are from Oklahoma. I like soldiers, so I like Oklahoma. Besides, you get extra credit for having to sit next to Texas. I know that can't be easy. Grade: C+
Texas: Texas is like the neighborhood bully who everyone just wishes would go away. There is talk now, led by Chuck Norris of all people, that Texas may someday cede from the union. Let me be the first to say, go ahead. If you want to take your orders from Chuck Norris, you get what you deserve. That being said, Austin is very cool. Great music scene and I've heard the Alamo Drafthouse was a great place to see a flick, so thumbs up to Austin. Texas, however, you helped pave the way for George W., and frankly, that's just unforgivable. Grade: F
THE MIDWEST
Kentucky: You like bourbon and horses, so you can't be all bad. Plus you host one of the best theatre festivals in the world and you make a hell of a baseball bat. Grade: B
Indiana: I've noticed that Indianans are pretty damned funny. Jim Gaffigan & David Letterman are both from Indiana, and they are two of the funniest people on the planet. I know you live in the shadow of Chicago and people think you're a bunch of race-car loving hayseeds, but you don't have me fooled. You're much smarter than you're letting on, and plotting to take over the world. In a very nice and polite way, of course. Grade: B
Michigan: My folks live in Michigan and they really like it. I don't. I have found the people there to be very suspicious. I think it's because since the state is surrounded by water on three sides, you don't just end up in Michigan. You have to make a conscious choice to be there. I don't think they look kindly on outsiders. But, you do have Motown and you give us the Lions to beat up on every year. Grade: D+
Illinois: I know, there is more to Illinois than Chicago, but seriously, you have Chicago - the greatest city in the country. Illinois has some great history, plus a few presidents. Then again, you also had Capone and Blago. Still, you gave me 14 of the best years of my life, and I will always be grateful to you for that. Grade: A+
Wisconsin: As an adopted Chicagoan, I know I'm supposed to hate Wisconsin. I try, but I really can't. You guys love your football and your encased meats, and it's really tough to find fault with that. Besides, Miller Park is what a modern baseball stadium should look like. Plus, your line-up for Summerfest consistently kicks the shit out of Taste of Chicago's, so kudos. Grade: A-
Minnesota: God bless ya, Minnesoota. You guys talk funny, but you are all incredibly good natured. You have to do something about those damned mosquitos though. Grade: B
Iowa: I'm just going to get this out of the way: I love Iowa. Granted, I grew up there, so I am slightly biased. Still, it really is a beautiful state (not just farmland, by the way.), and the nicest people I have ever met are always from Iowa. Plus, they have a kick-ass state fair, where some woman carves a life-sized cow out of butter. Seriously, A FUCKING BUTTER COW. How can you not love a state that would do that? Grade: A
Missouri: I was born in Missouri, so I'm willing to cut you a little bit of slack. St. Louis is a cool town, and you did give us Mark Twain, but I always get the sense that Missouri is kind of like a kid with ADD who has had a lunch of Pixie Stix and vodka. Then again, you did have the good sense to elect a dead guy over John Ashcroft, so you have to take that into consideration. Grade: C+
Kansas: Kansas sort of has the reputation of the ugly girl at the prom. No one wants to dance with her, but if you took off her glasses and put her hair up, you'd discover she's kind of cute. I got stranded in Kansas once, and while I was pretty miserable, I thought if I had to die, there were worse places than Kansas. However, you must be punished for "Dust in the Wind". Grade: B-
Nebraska: You inspired my favorite Springsteen album, "Nebraska". That album is also horribly bleak and depressing. I know it's not your fault that you are flat and barren, but I have driven from one end of the state to the other, and I swear the scenery never changed. Grade: C-
South Dakota: If you like buffalo and giant faces carved into mountains, then South Dakota is the place for you. I happen to like both of those things, so I like SD. Granted, no one lives there. Everyone you see on the road in South Dakota is just a tourist heading through the Badlands to Mt. Rushmore, but still, it's a nice place to visit. Grade: C+
North Dakota: Well, you got "Fargo"....um....and....uh....let's see...there's...er....look I'm trying my best....and....oh fuck it. Grade: D
THE WEST
Montana: You are a bad ass, Montana. You're the Gary Cooper of states. Quiet, solid, we know we can count on you. But for the most part, I always get the sense you wish we would just leave you the hell alone. But I like the way you showed Custer which side of his bread was buttered. Nice job. Grade: B
Wyoming: You're kind of like the homecoming queen who's also a closet alcoholic: Very pretty, but pretty damned dark. Your scenery is pretty breathtaking, but Matthew Shepherd was killed on your watch, and let us not forget Emperor Cheney is a son. Still, you have Devil's Tower, which thanks to Steven Spielberg, I honor every Thanksgiving by carving it out of mashed potatoes. Grade: C+
Colorado: Honestly one of the most visually impressive states in the country. It was a state, however, that was founded by quitters. Not that I blame them. If I was a pioneer and I got to the Rocky Mountains, I would say, "Wait, we gotta cross that? Um, you know what, I think I'm good here. You guys go on without me. I'll catch up". Plus, it's where all my stuff is now. Grade: B
New Mexico: One of the first times I drove to New Mexico was in the middle of the night. As soon as you cross over from Colorado, there is nothing. NOTHING. For hundreds of miles. New Mexico at night is the place you take someone who you want to make sure is never going to be seen or heard from again. I like that about you New Mexico - you're not for pussies. Grade: B
Arizona: You have a big hole in the ground and you make a mean ice tea. You're basically a desert, yet people still live there, proving once and for all that some people actually don't mind having sweat run down their ass crack. You're a mystery, Arizona. Grade: C+
Utah: I know when most people think about you, they think Mormons. Personally, I think of John Ford, who shot a whole lot of westerns in Monument Valley. It looks like the kind of place where John Wayne would feel comfortable. Grade: C
Idaho: I'm trying really hard not to make a potato reference. I posted a piece awhile back on a trip I took to Boise once, and I'll let that one speak for itself. Feel free to look it up. POTATO. Dammit! Grade: C-
Washington: I always thought I would do well in Washington. I like the rain and how green everything is. I'm not a coffee drinker, but I like the smell, and I get the feeling that Seattle as a rule smells like first thing in the morning all the time. Besides, any place that gave us Nirvana, Pearl Jam & Soundgarden can't be all bad, right? Grade: B+
Oregon: I know. It's hard. Washington is always taking your press. I get it. But just know that you are special in your own way and we love you just the way you are. Grade: C
Nevada: I like the fact that your most well-known city was founded by gangsters. Plus you gave us the setting for "Showgirls", one of the true masterpieces in American cinema. Grade: B
California: California is similar to Texas in terms of ego, they're just not so obnoxious and in your face about it. I like how big you are, yet, you're still pretty laid back about it all. I like that about you. And, you have some great wine. Grade: B
Alaska: You know, Alaska, you had it all going for you. Amazing scenery, great nature and parks, eskimos. Who doesn't like eskimos? Then you had to go and fuck it all up with that governor of yours. I'm sorry Alaska, but we're going to have to break up. Grade: C+
Hawaii: My granny always used to pronounce you "Hah -wah- ya", in which I'd reply, "I'm fine. Hah-wah-YOU?" I like you, I'd really like to visit you, but I'd really like you to lower your airfare first. Grade: B+
Puerto Rico: Okay, I know, you're just a territory. The proverbial foster kid. But let's just get the adoption over with already. I like how sassy your women can be. Grade: C
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